I'm Taylor Fisher and I'm a bitch.
Beauty, intelligence, talent, charisma, Hoobastank.
What? They're good.
Indie rock trends do move fast.
Today, my alarm is set to the Drunges.
But by the time you actually watch this...
they'll be headlining a toilet in Toledo with mops.
Hey, bitch, that's not cool.
Eat cock!
Hello, Taylor. It's Don. Don Waters, again.
We made out behind the Pizza Pitt. You tasted the deep dish.
Not deep enough.
Get out of the bathroom.
You're ruining my life, you **** **** **** **** fucking Ecstasy baby!
- I'm peeing. - Taylor, hi, Singe Gupta.
I very much liked our calculus date at Pizza Pitt.
Loser. Your parabolic graph was bent and I only got a B.
French toast?
Mom, I'm on a no-bread diet.
- Since when? - Since now!
Oh, I hate you! I hope you die!
Taylor, what we did at Pizza Pitt...
Word of advice, there's always new toothpaste.
Don't swallow. Spit.
Cinderella ll: Beauty Scream opened this week at the Galaxy Pines Mall.
If you're anyone who's anyone in Grizzly Lake, you'll go see it.
Moscow Hyatt is my idol.
This brings me to something I call:
Taylor Fisher's Guide to Not Being a Total Reject.
One, go see Cinderella ll on Friday night, loser.
Taylor, honey, I'm leaving. Hurry or we'll be late.
Mom, I'm doing something important!
You're a monster!
I'll be in the car.
Fuck a duck!
Let me montage this to speed things up.
What now?
Love Pizza Pitt.
Who are you?
Your biggest fan.
Rad.
Bitch, going to kill you.
_Qkay. _Qkay...
Stalkers are so 2011.
Get out of my room, you pedophile!
Where is she?
The girl gets away with everything.
Life sucks.
Nice. That's just awesome.
I try to remember I'm only the second-biggest loser...
to walk Grizzly Lake High.
First place goes to the drunk slut who screwed the dead mascot in 1992.
But the '90s are history. So am I.
Oh, my God, I love this song.
Shit!
No, no, no, no.
Shit.
This is the fifth sighting of mysterious objects over Grizzly Lake.
Authorities speculate an elaborate hoax perpetuated by high-school...
Dad, I forgot the bus leaves early on Wednesdays. Can you drive me?
Sure, hon.
Nope, still drunk.
Yo, Heather Mills.
You're robbing me? I didn't even know Iceland had crime.
Stop generalizing. I stole this shirt.
- And the leather shoes? - Vegetarian?
"Vegetarianism is the taproot of humanitarianism." Tolstoy.
Give me your iPod, salad eater.
- It's a fucking shuffle. - I make 6.55 an hour.
Yeah. Thanks, anyway.
I'm too old for this shit.
It's not my fault majoring in Inuit Literature and Hipster Rock...
- ...doesn't replenish your trust fund. - I listen to Aerosmith.
- Hey, Clapton. - Hey, Clapton.
- Hey. - Go left.
Where is Clapton Davis?
Other way.
Who gave Riley the permission to have the hots for Clapton?
Did falling off the ugly tree knock a dream into her head?
Why doom a win like Clapton Davis to a life of missionary sex?
Nice save, Truman.
Think you can hook me up with Alexis at prom?
Yeah, no problem!
This bear's been deceased since the Nixon Administration...
yet exerts an extraordinary magnetic field.
Toshiba, you're either the smartest kid in school or the weirdest.
Mimi, wait. Wait, Mimi. No.
I know it looks like such a lighthearted...
feel-good comedy being an expecting teenage mom.
Let me tell you something. I've been principal at this school for five years.
Let me tell both of you something.
Pregnant teenagers are never funny. Ever.
I'm not pregnant.
Cut the carbs.
Attention, Grizzly Lake High.
- Hey, Kayla. - Hey, Vicky.
Skank ho.
Your vote for prom king and queen is now due.
Winners win a Pizza Pitt coupon. Go Grizzly.
Tomorrow, the Grizzly Lake Bears will play the Town Creek Beavers at pub.
Hey, Clapton.
Lone, did you tell Billy about us?
Clapton, the small guy always beats the invincible killing machine.
You're my Pat Morita.
Isn't he dead?
Duck.
Verge.
Get a life, punk.
This is ugly.
Three o'clock. Parking lot.
Winner wins lone. Loser wins...
Jone? - Shut-up!
Just make sure your dumb ass is there, dumb-ass!
Really, Clapton? If you're gonna get your limbs ripped off...
find a more worthy charity thanlone.
Lone likes Sting.
Clapton Davis, you are more concept than reality.
I just mean that it looks like Clapton's gonna ask out lone...
which makes about as much sense as that stupid movie Torque.
So, what do you think about you and me?
Have you even thought about prom?
Hey, Sander. I saw your dad's dick on Chatroulette last night.
Yes, Sander, I'm a girl.
Forget about genocide, poverty and political corruption.
What could possibly be on my girl mind other than prom?
Totally right, lone.
- Sting is the Bruno Mars of 1992. - You're so funny.
- Why do you think I'd go with him? - No reason.
Have you ever noticed that we have compatible facial features?
Riley, don't delay the inevitable.
You know in three days, we're gonna be prom dates...
and the sex and shame will be fleeting.
Look, get off my nuts, all right?
Hey, Riley, I don't wanna hear about your testicles.
The assignment is simple. You're a smart girl.
Use what you've learned this semester about quantum physics...
and build me a time machine so I can get out of here.
- So hot. - Sander, we have to finish this.
Then stop messing with that bear claw.
I took it from the mascot. Strange.
Someone wired this with organic, super-conduction Mimis...
- MagMimis... Magnets. - God.
Come on. Toshiba, I mean, look at Clapton's.
It's got a clock-looking thing, okay? I wanna pass this course.
Then do something. If I fail science, I'm stuck with you next year...
in the Remedial History of the Jelly Bean.
- I love jelly beans. - Slacker.
That's hilarious. What is it?
I don't know. It looks like a bong.
Well, Clapton...
I'm wet.
I get it.
Listening to your loud music. Tripping out to Fraggle Rock.
But the question is, what does the future hold...
for Clapton Davis?
Well, I am starting my own music site.
It'll list new releases and review albums...
from bands that nobody has heard of.
If they have, I'll dismiss them with scathing comparisons...
to avant-garde folk rockers.
Everything is graded on a 100-point scale.
- No place for feedback. - Excellent.
Readers can bitch on their Twitters. Good taste is not a democracy.
And this pays what, 13.5 a year?
Free Costello tickets.
Do you think that I am teaching students out of love?
I'm not.
It's your senior year and your GPA is...
It's a disgrace.
But I'd rather not see you back here next fall.
Give me an excuse to graduate you.
Impress me.
Get an A. Save a small country. Something.
Anything.
Otherwise, get expelled...
with the lowest grades in Grizzly Lake history.
Does Home Ec count?
Get your shit together, son.
I make 40 g's a year plus dental. You may not have a Skittle.
Thanks, Mr. Kendall.
Princess?
- Lone. - Looks like Taylor's absent.
You'll be head cheerleader for the Grizzly Lake Bear playoff game.
Don't do that.
You there!
- Riley. - Sure you are, Crutches.
You'll have to be the Grizzly Lake bear.
Mascot?
Wearing the bear suit is a privilege enjoyed by a few. Put it on.
Time to get serious, dude.
- Is this real fur? - That goes for you too.
- Don't you mess this up! - I won't, Mr. Cooper.
You're as funny as Bronson Pinchot.
Let me hear you growl!
Attack!
Typecast.
One and two! Feel it, whoo!
That's the spirit, lone.
I was wondering when Freedom Williams would make a comeback!
- F in dodge ball too. - You suck!
Road House?
Patrick Swayze didn't get Kelly Lynch without ripping some throats first.
- I need to study if I'm gonna fight Billy. - You can't be planning on fighting him.
Three o'clock, Clapton! You're fucking dead!
Well, I guess he still likes lone.
Never underestimate the appeal of stupid, cute things.
The girl's a moron. But you don't...? You don't have a thing for her, do you?
Sander, lone's an old soul trapped in a very painfully hot cheerleader body.
She knows the "Fields of Gold" lyrics. Every little thing she does is magic.
- Believe it. - I believe in things I can see.
I believe in violence.
I believe in trees, mortgages and albinos.
Wet T-shirt.
Patrick Swayze was only an action star for three years.
Steven Seagal is a lifelong Buddhist and a deadly master of aikido.
Wrong. Mullet beats ponytails.
Red shirt.
What if that innocent cow was your son?
Or your daughter?
Now, scientists don't know whether fish feel pain...
so some vegetarians still eat salmon and stuff.
But do you know how much pigs or, like, veal suffer?
Is the only reason they live just to be killed?
Meat is murder.
Nice work, Riley.
Now, for the counter-argument, we turn to Gord.
Gord is our Canadian exchange student...
from Lunenburg, Nova Scotia...
where I hear the salmon is delicious.
Gord?
Yes, I'd like to start off by saying that this girl's argument is ridiculous.
Vegetarians who eat fish are hypocrites.
She thinks because fish may feel no pain, they don't value their lives.
Absurd. And notice how she expresses almost no sympathy for chickens.
That's because Americans hate chickens.
For example, KFC serves popcorn chicken...
to assure the customers that the chicken was blown to bits...
yet the meatball sub at Subway isn't called "popcorn cow."
Americans want chickens to die.
Lame! Personally, I do feel sympathy for animals...
which is why I choose to only eat baby animals.
They have not lived as long and are not leaving as much behind.
Baby clams, chicken wings, baby seals, no big loss.
If we don't eat meat, we lose our place in the food chain.
Eating animals gives us confidence as humans.
Vegetarians like this girl, who is only wearing one shoe...
have less confidence than everybody else.
Thank you, class. Ms. Maclntire.
Very well researched, Gord.
And, yes, it's true.
Teenagers need self-confidence.
Clamato: the only animal-mammal beverage at the grocery store.
Which is too bad, because I could really go for some carbonated dolphin.
Why must you interrupt my solitude...
in the worst day of the worst life in Grizzly Lake history?
- You're not the girl who fucked a bear. - That was 20 years ago.
And she was a pervert. I'm a mascot.
It's one rank lower on the social ladder.
It's true. I've been thinking about stuff.
Nudity, mostly.
You know, we don't talk much...
but I like to believe we've been sort of friends for a while.
Arguable, but not outlandish.
Okay, this human-conversation thing is not working for you. Let's text.
You better not sext me.
Not interested in the rules.
Yeah, I figured.
Courtship, social ethics, what people think.
Very true. You're right.
- Sorry, that was for Clapton. - What the frig!
You know what? Let's get it over with.
- Let's have sex. - I'm only gonna say this once.
Do not become the bad guy in the pregnancy-scare video.
Playful banter is just a sign of a healthy, caring communi... Hold on.
If you go sit somewhere else, we can maybe go back to being sort of friends.
- Mind if I sit here? - Free country.
Every day, you and I stand in this hallway and no one notices.
We're just hollow and useless...
and stuffed full of crap nobody will ever see.
I know who you are.
You're me.
Well, let's go.
I mean, "Gonna Make You Sweat"?
They let her get away with making that look cool?
And then I'm beaten by a Canadian on the ethics of eating animals...
which makes no sense because Canadians are supposed to be nice.
See you, Clapton Davis.
Hope my soundtrack comes out on vinyl.
Little dudes like you get worked.
Let's see your teeth. For dental records.
Yeah, the next time you go to the dentist and look at an x-ray...
it will be a picture of your head flying off.
- Shit. Get that molar. - Somebody's trying to kill me!
Join the club.
Get out of my face, dude.
Leave him alone, Nolan. We get it. Your dick is bigger, all right?
Wait, how do you know?
Clapton, you're my Ralph Macchio. Do the crane thing.
I like you, lone, but you're really weird.
If your face hurts my fist...
I will punch you again harder.
- Everyone take a step back. - Hang on! I was here first.
Listen up, folks.
Your classmate Taylor Fisher...
was murdered in her bedroom this morning.
- What? - I know this comes as a shock.
We're gonna need to speak to some of you in turn.
- I was just attacked! - Sure you were, honey.
The violent death of 17-year-old Taylor Fisher...
has shaken the town of Grizzly Lake.
Fisher, a beloved Bears cheerleader...
was getting ready for school when an intruder stabbed...
Jason Lawrence said he saw blue lights in the sky...
and then mysteriously was compelled to eat three cans of tuna...
a food he typically hates.
Fuck everybody.
- You ever do any rave drugs? - A rave? What is this, 1996?
This attacker you're describing, Ms. Jones...
- ...sounds just like that horror film. - Cinderella.
Scream.
Cinderella is only a movie. It can't hurt you.
- You know that? - I don't know. See the first one?
You're under the belief that she attacked you? Cinderella?
Look, I am not a retarded Neve Campbell, okay?
Obviously, it was someone dressed like her.
- You nuked the fridge with that one. - I'm sorry. I don't speak fanboy.
Call if anything else comes to mind or happens to you.
Yeppers, I'll be sure to call you when I'm murdered.
Hey. A girl at your school is dead, for real.
Think about that.
Iron Man. Now, that's a movie.
Iron Man was fucking PG-13.
Does this sound fucking PG-13 to you?
Worst motive ever.
What, you think I'm making this up?
Come on, Riley, there's nobody else here.
Show me.
Whoever's trying to kill me knows that Cinderella is a huge cliché.
They know I know nobody would believe me.
It's a conspiracy to get everyone to think...
I'm a total loser making preemptive, mid-'90s pop references.
Yeah, it's all coming to an end anyways.
- Translation? - Our lives.
This summer everyone in Grizzly Lake is going to college...
to incubate their degrees, get knocked up at a kegger...
and come back here to populate one of these homes...
with tiny little versions of themselves. These are our final days.
Turn.
What about your whole music-criticism thing?
You'll beat the odds. You always do, Clapton Davis.
Billy wants to eBay pieces of my face and Verge is gonna fail me...
unless I get an A or save the universe.
Both equally improbable scenarios.
Duck.
You know, the whole cynic act doesn't really fit on you.
Can't change anything.
Now is all we got. It's not cynicism. I think now is pretty rad.
Except one girl's dead and the other's waiting for the noose to tighten.
No.
I'm talking about now, me and you.
Look around. What don't you see?
Cinderella?
Lone.
Get over yourself. Seriously.
My cast comes off tomorrow.
- Wanna take me dancing? - Clapton don't dance.
Right, unless lone's playing Oasis.
More Grizzly Lake kids were conceived to Oasis...
than any other Beatles cover band. Definitely Maybe is British Rohypnol.
Eyes glazing.
I made plans to see a movie with lone tomorrow night.
Make room for a third wheel.
Cinderella, please. No.
Why are you crying?
This is the happiest night of your life. You're prom queen.
It didn't mean anything, okay? I swear. It was just sex.
Oh, no, Wendy. It was the worst kind of sex.
Premarital.
I won't tell anyone, I swear. Just let me go.
I'll let you go, but only if the glass slipper fits.
It's deep inside your lower abdomen.
- Oh, no. - Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
If you take longer than two minutes, it'll be a whole new crown of thorns.
Start digging...
Clock's ticking.
Oh, God!
Say cheese.
If you wanted to take pictures, you should have stayed at home.
- Eat my shorts, jerk. - I'll murder you, bitch.
"Eat my shorts"?
There's always some dickvveed trying to spoil people's fun.
- This film is gnarly. - Gnarly.
It's not fair. I've been doing Pilates all senior year.
My stomach muscles are too tight to dig through.
Oh, Wendy, why didn't you think about that...
before you offered Scott your after-school special?
Cinderella is a moralist.
This is probably the best movie since Volcano.
And the award for most vapid film review of the century goes to...
- Can you try being nice? - Clapton's with me.
- Quit being a space cadet. - I don't like Clapton.
- I don't care. - White people, shut it!
But you know he's my own Michael Keaton, right?
Will you give it up with your '90s obsession?
1992 was, like, the coolest year ever.
Speaking of which, nice plagiarism on your debate with the Canadian.
"Meat is murder"?
Everyone knows Morrissey's Kill Uncle was better.
- Is it? - You're such a nimrod.
Will you stop talking?
We have rules of conduct. Your ticket's a contract.
- Shut up, lumberjack - What is the contract?
There's to be no illegal photography inside of Galaxy Cinemas.
That is not the way a capitalist society functions.
When you take photography inside of cinemas...
you take money from carpenters trying to feed their families.
Closing statement?
Silence is compliance.
Do the math, baby. Taylor was hot.
I was watching Smurfs.
Neve Campbell was hot. Jamie Lee Curtis?
- I just BitTorrented Avatar. - I'd getjiggy with it.
Rephrase this for me, lone. Your glamazon logic is too advanced.
- They look nothing like Smurfs. - Riley. As if.
You're not banging enough to be murdered.
- They're blue. - Plus, you live in a bungalow.
Slasher-film heroines live in McMansions.
They don't look alike.
Wow, that was 70 percent appalling and 30 percent really perceptive.
- BT-dubs, Cinderella is my stalker. - Definition, "stalker":
Stalker, noun. Someone who is not hot enough to be seen with you.
Lone makes a compelling case.
If someone were to be slashed and killed, I'd vote for her.
You're all that and a bag of chips, Clapton.
It's not like Taylor Fisher won a popularity contest.
She was murdered. You guys are watching bimbos-get-tortured porn...
to feed some music-video director's coke habit.
Taylor died because she had it all.
She was the most popular girl. Nobody hated her.
I'd hide in a sporting-goods store if zombies attacked.
Correction: She was the most popular girl. Everybody hated her.
- Costco. - FYI, lone, you can't be the hero.
- No zombie memberships. - Scream queens are virgins.
Riley does have superhero impenetrability on her side.
Donald Waters.
He said "an anaconda" and "ice cube."
I thought he was asking me to...
watch a movie.
- Waters? That's gross. - Cuts virginity out of the equation.
Cinderella wants to kill me more.
I'm hot. Your house sucks. You lose.
Do you think Clapton would say yes if I asked him out?
Riley, you have to do it.
You two have been best friends forever.
- Hey, Clapton. - Hey, Clapton.
He can ride me like that unicycle.
You!
Fartknocker!
Taylor Fisher was a paradigm of human excellence.
Terrible shame this has to happen.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Problem with kids today, they don't know how to channel aggression.
Football! That's the way.
Otherwise, they're dreaming of girls...
and end up in prison on rape charges.
Yeah.
They close the school to let us grieve, and everyone shows up at the mall.
These people make me sick.
Remember, there's a costume party later at my place.
Ready for the big game tonight, coach?
Always ready for football!
You're dead, Clapton.
Gotta fled.
I gotta pick up prom tickets.
But what about Taylor?
Run, blond gal, run!
Hotel for Dogs is on cable soon.
I guess the rumors that you don't trim are true.
Taking nude photographs with little kids is sick.
Here we go! Let's play some football! Bust some heads!
Let's break some hands! Break a claw!
Take it in!
Watch 32. Set. Hut!
Nolan, I'm open. What the fuck?
Let go of the goddamn ball! What the...?
What the hell do you think...?
- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
- Booger! Get off! - Come on, Nolan.
- Get in the game! - I'm trying!
- What is that? - Get off the bear!
You saw nothing.
Nothing! Shut up!
Nolan, you all right?
What the hell do you think...?
What is that? Goddamn it!
Get out of here!
Billy, hold on a sec.
You resolve all your boy troubles in the men's room?
Why are you gonna fight Clapton? So junior high.
All thatjuicing is freaking you out.
Juicing?
Does this look like steroids to you?
Yeah, nice biceps. You're a freak!
You wanna know the story of the real Billy Nolan?
Your eyes are bloodshot, you vomit acid...
and your brain is scrambled from all the football hits.
Sure, lay it on me.
I have fly blood in my veins.
I'm a freak.
Robot dog.
Billy, I told you 100 damn times.
Get that dog out of here when I'm watching the set.
He's blocking the game.
Why does he hate me?
All I have in the world is my TV set.
Never take this off, boy.
No one can know that my son's a freak.
TV hand! TV hand! TV hand!
Hike!
TV hand! TV hand! TV hand!
And that's exactly how I remember it.
You have got to cut down on the protein shakes.
- Get lost! You don't know shit! - If you fight Clapton, I'll tell everyone.
You think they give trophies to larvae?
- My hand. - Come on!
I'm trying...
Billy, we really need to talk.
Is this when I'm supposed to say, "How could you?"
Am I supposed to say, "it's not what it looks like"?
What, are you two fucking?
Welcome to the Sandersons'. Don't speak more loudly...
than you would at your home. If you have to go number one, go outside.
If it's number two, you go home.
Why'd you tell me this was a costume party?
Because it is.
Fag.
Who are you supposed to be, Super Mario?
Angela Chase.
She of the So-Called Life, Claire Danes?
If it wasn't on men's curling, I probably haven't seen it.
- We're the least cool people here. - No, speak for yourself.
I'm dressed as Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Setting off some pheromones.
I thought you were an ice skater.
- Do you like fish sticks? - Oh, my God!
In Canada, people drink what they bring to the party.
This whole Marxist alcohol partition thing is new to me.
I like to mooch the good stuff.
So Canada, eh?
Is it true you guys never lock your doors?
Suck it, bitches.
Gag.
I have no witty retort to that.
Just kiss me and make sure Clapton sees that shit.
Engage.
I am fever!
I hope you're having as much fun as us, Clapton.
As much fun as Billy had?
If your mind is being controlled by Wrath of Khan slugs...
I just want you to know that I am cool with it.
Let's dance, Sander...
because Clapton don't dance.
Not awesome.
I think I'm gonna barf.
Your bra hooked my ring.
Don't stretch my suspenders. These overalls are vintage 1994.
This is a limited-edition LeVar Burton Starfleet pinkie ring.
I had to eat Whole Wheat Crackles for a year to get one.
- Creeper. Beam off! - Trust me.
That dude has tits.
Finally happened for me.
Clapton Davis!
Tonight will prove my theory...
that lone won't go to prom...
with someone who has been murdered!
Go on, Clapton. I believe in you.
How about you use that motivational speech to talk Billy out of it?
He's not gonna stop until you step up.
You just have to lay down the law.
What if I lay down in pain?
Remember, Clapton, pain don't hurt.
Red shirt. Damn.
All right, Billy.
Clapton Davis.
You are not as much of a pussy as I thought.
- Do you wanna do this the easy way? - What's the easy way?
Stop being so smart, all right? You're dead either way.
Well, thank you for explaining my op...
Thank God that's not me.
Goal!
It's go time, Clapton.
Shut up, lone!
It's no wonder I broke up with you.
Clapton Davis is a genius!
Would you go back in time to punch Benjamin Franklin and Spike Lee too?
Get out of my face, ho!
And you lied to me. It is not normal for people's semen to glow in the dark.
Billy, she never saw my semen, I swear to God.
I cannot believe you just said that in front of all these people.
Did I win?
What the...?
Why don't you take a picture, homo?
Stop messing with my buzz!
This shocking footage was recorded by a witness earlier today.
Be warned, the images here are disturbing.
How you feeling?
Well, my vision's diagonal...
I can't breathe without thinking about it...
I can hear other people's thoughts...
and it looks like you're eating meat.
Other than that, tip-top shape.
Not only do I eat meat, but I am now a porno star.
Parties are so full of self-discovery.
Moo-licious.
Being a mascot is a proud tradition.
You represent the honor of Grizzly Lake High.
When you take off that bear costume...
you should walk like your body is still covered in fur.
The video of your mammary gland...
was viewed 20,000 times on the Internet.
- YouTube? - National Zoology.
- Can I throw up? - It's also in the news.
Billy Nolan is killed in the same video.
Who taught you how to make a snuff porno? Lady Gaga?
Wait. Are you guys accusing me of something?
Your nipple was exposed for seven whole seconds.
Is that why two of my brightest students were killed?
For seven seconds of video?
- Did you all watch it? - I didn't.
Why not?
I am giving everybody implicated as being anywhere near Billy Nolan...
on that tape Saturday detention.
- Tomorrow? - Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow is prom. - This is murder.
And porn. There's a killer in Grizzly Lake...
who is affiliated with people at my school.
Detention is in the library. It goes from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m.
That's right through prom.
I thought Saturday detention was a myth.
So was ice-skater porn.
Riley, don't ever degrade yourself.
Don't let them make you think that you're not valuable.
- Mr. Kendall... - Respect your body.
This is just a big misunderstanding.
A wise man once said that we're all a bunch of big misunderstandings.
His name was Deepak Chopra.
What difference does it make now? I'm just...
I'm just a stupid porn star.
No, Riley.
You're a beautiful girl whose voice just needs to be heard.
I'm a porn star.
Young.
Hot.
Porn.
We just need to take a moment...
to look into each other's eyes and center our chakra.
You're looking for something deeper.
Yeah. Yeah, I am. I like older guys.
Like age 36...
or 39 or 35 or something.
Riley.
That's right.
There's always a new way of looking at each other.
Okay, suspects.
Tell me who the killer is, and I'll let you go home...
and go to your little prom.
Taylor Fisher.
I don't believe you.
We have rights. You can't lock us up without evidence.
This isn't jail.
It's detention.
Well, we can rule out Gord.
Canadians don't kill outside their home country.
Yeah, well, we can count Sander out too.
Nolan was chopped up with an ax. Ever seen Sander try to swing a bat?
I was sick that day.
You have the arms of an anemic spider monkey. Definitely not you.
Well, Mimi probably isn't the killer either.
Her only death comes from a makeup kit.
We can take Toshiba off the list.
- Why? - Because you're you.
And it's definitely not Claptonia.
Those two couldn't be apart long enough to coordinate a killing.
That with lone gnawing through boyfriends...
like an unfed piranha makes me think you're both innocent.
Thanks?
You've gone out with, what? Five guys these past three years?
'90s makeover aside, you're not reflexive enough to hold a grudge.
And crippling gimpitude saves your ass.
Having a broken leg is for losers, you idiot.
All right, then that settles it. It's Toby T.
- Why is it me? - Just fess up, Toby.
So I can get out of here, and won't have to listen to this windbag.
- Take one for the team. - You guys barely even know me.
That's kind of the problem.
It writes psychotic killer all over your face.
Mimi is just too obvious with the rebellious clown makeup...
- ...her hippie parents hate. - My parents aren't hippies.
- Are you all assholes? - I'm not.
Look, guys, it's obvious I have no ties to Billy and Taylor.
Same school, same food chain.
How could you, strange, unknown quiet guy?
I'm not a killer, I'm just boring.
Toby, you're right.
It can't be any of us. We're not anguished enough.
Our generation has had no major struggles.
- What about 9/11? - Afghanistan?
- Iraq. - Katrina.
Heath Ledger. What?
Too soon?
The hell do Katrina & the Waves have to do with it?
Katrina the hurricane. Wikipedia it, bitch.
It's spelled "encyclopedia," slut bag.
Who's the guy in the hoodie?
My name is Elliot Fink.
I didn't see you.
Nobody really sees me.
I've had detention every day for the last 19 years.
Nineteen years? The hell did you do?
I... I don't remember.
Took a dump on the windshield of Woodruff's Cadillac.
Only got a week.
You must be the baddest motherfucker in school.
Now, Elliot Fink, you're gonna sit here...
and think about what you've done.
You'll have detention every day until I tell you you're reformed.
My school will not be a training ground for budding pornographers.
Don't look at me, perv.
Can I get a Wi-Fi connection here?
'Nam flashback?
Did you go to this school in 1992?
Yeah, she'll be 65 next week. It's a surgical wonder.
Apparently, a perfect body and eyeliner aren't enough...
to win the school dance-off.
You need, like, moves and things. God!
I used to know how to break it down like C+C Music Factory.
Yeah, flight
Mom, the dance-off is in two days.
All you need to do is swap minds with my 18-year-old self.
My mind will go into your mind, into your body...
and win you the dance-off.
Meanwhile, your mind will travel to 1992.
That way people won't wonder why there's two of you...
or us, hanging around now.
A couple of things I need to tell you about boys in 1992.
Christian Slater, Frank Whaley...
oh, and Richard Grieco are all foxes.
Donnie Wahlberg is bordering sexy.
Oh, and Kevin Costner is slamming in Prince of Thieves.
Kevin Costner is a douche. And one other thing...
are you insane?
It's what I always sang to you when you were a baby.
When you wish...
Shit!
I wish my mother would go to another planet...
instead of being a drunken has-been who's full of shit.
So that's how my mind ended up in my mother's body in 1992.
And how I ended up in my daughter lone in the present.
But that's all technical science stuff.
Wow, lone really did her research.
Next up, doing ballet...
we have Ripley Jones.
Riley!
Whatever, dude. You have like three minutes.
You taste like Luke Perry.
- She's a gimp. - FML!
Every student donating a food item to help the war victims...
will receive a free pass to Lethal Weapon 3.
What the heck is so retro about Kris Kross, dumb-ass?
This week the Science Olympiad took place in Town Creek.
I am never leaving this place.
This move is sick.
Tighten up that defense line
Said hold that line
This one is...
Oh, hey, Verge, are you coming out tonight?
We're gonna watch Free jack on laser disc.
Dear God, please give me the strength to ask Sloan to prom.
We're meant to be and she sees the future.
And give some food to those Ethiopian kids hanging out with Sally Strut hers...
because seeing them really bums me out...
during Star Trek: Next Generation. Amen.
Lose your seat?
No, I was just sitting right over there.
I saw you in cheerleader practice in the gym yesterday...
and I was thinking about it again in bed last night.
I was just gonna ask you to prom.
I can smell bologna packed in your lunch. It makes me gag.
You look like a girl!
Sloan probably only likes guys that look like C. Thomas Howell.
Well, that's just racial discrimination.
If I can't be part of her future, there will be no future.
Damn it.
Well, if I'm gonna die, at least I know I've lived twice as long as Riley.
Just because you're a bitch doesn't give you dog years.
Says the baby with the stuffed toys.
I think it's Taylor's.
Verge is right. The killer's right here.
We gotta find out what happens after the Cinderella murders.
- Cinderella dies. - Yeah, after that.
What happens in Cinderella Ill: Blood Ball?
- Movie's not out yet. - I'll Bit Torrent the work print.
Three, two... Got it!
Damn. The review by Sherlock Moriarty...
compares it unfavorably to Hell boy ll...
calling it a "craptasterpiece."
That's it.
If Mr. Pain's giving us detention on a Saturday...
the least we can do is download Slashing Beauty 4 for free...
and watch it illegally on the Internet before it's released.
I wanna have unprotected sex.
How can they make a movie worse than Cinderella ll?
They say the Beauty Beast only kills virgins.
I'm saving myself for marriage.
I avoid teenage pregnancy.
Madison. We're gonna die.
If it's life or death...
- What is this, Canadian? - Canada invented the slasher film...
as well as the "animal plays a sport" genre, motherfucker.
I'm a virgin.
Take me, Beauty Beast!
Your teeth are so hard!
Suck it!
Goddamn it!
Greg, you asshole.
Now we really do have to use this time to think about our futures.
This movie is so stupid.
Let's go back to class and fall asleep.
None of you felons...
will ever graduate!
What is this commotion?
- We're about to get murdered. - Someday you will be old, kids.
Do you believe that our president, Barack Obama, murdered anyone...
when he was in high school?
O.J. maybe. Not Obama.
- I think that's racist, sir. - What is? It is not.
Why did you go from Obama to O.J. instead of to Dahmer or someone?
I, Mimi, am the principal of this school...
and you have not even completed your schooling.
Besides, I voted for McCain.
In conclusion, stop fucking around.
- Are we allowed to read? - No, Hitachi.
Toshiba.
Lone. Sorry, baby.
- "Baby"? - Weird.
Who is that?
My name's Elliot Fink.
Nobody say a word. Nobody sneeze.
Nobody look at anything except your own eyeballs.
There's a killer amongst us.
You've read Brave New World.
Like Big Brother, I'm watching you.
Big Brother was in 1984.
You have no future in my opinion.
What now?
These kids should be happy to be away from their Yu-Gi-Oh.
What the hell are you doing out of detention?
I solved the equation.
Cool. You passed Trig. In other news, somebody's murdering us.
None of that matters.
If these numbers are correct, the world is ending in 10 minutes.
- The whole world? - Yeah, all of Grizzly Lake.
- That's not the whole world. - You been outside Grizzly Lake?
- No. - What's the difference?
Whoa-kay.
Nobody knows who you are. Why believe you?
In 9.4 minutes, everyone you know...
your friends, your parents...
your extensions, goes bye-bye.
This destruction is man-made.
If it's man-made, we can kill it.
Score one for Captain 9021 -Obvious. How do we stop it?
That's the catch. I said it was happening in nine minutes...
but it's happening in nine minutes in the year 1992.
What the hell?
Somebody must have gone back to 1992.
In nine minutes, they're changing history by blowing everything up.
None of you will have even been born.
- The end of the world's coming? - Yeah.
- In 1992? - Yes!
- 1992. - We're talking time travel?
- There's no such thing. - Technically it's a temporal wormhole...
based on an 11 -dimensional string model of the holographic universe.
It'd require a highly advanced mathematical construct...
far beyond M-theory...
probably alien in origin.
What?
I've been building the school bear into a time machine for science class.
So you're telling me it works? Cool.
I hate this school.
Where's Sander?
And Clapton.
He's terrified of the future. Nobody hated Verge like Clapton.
Clapton doesn't hate anyone except Billy Nolan.
Also dead.
Oh, shit.
I'll drop my extreme skepticism due to the potential urgency of the situation.
- How do we use your time machine? - You'll break it.
- I haven't been graded yet. - You won't be graded at all...
if you haven't been born. Show me how it works.
No, show me. I don't trust anyone right now.
Maybe we don't trust you.
It's personal. I have to stop Clapton from killing us.
Someone took this claw from my locker.
I'm sorry. But this is so cool.
How much did those cost?
A hundred dollars.
For overalls?
Did your parents sell out to an evil corporate conglomerate?
I'm never leaving this place.
- Schwing! - Schwing!
That's why Mom left you.
Okay, class, we talked last week about quantum states.
Now, can anybody tell me what describes a mixed state?
- New Mexico. - No, Clapton.
You already received your 15 percent for participation mark.
You don't have to give the wrong answers anymore.
But nice work on your essay on the Heisenberg principle.
It was incorrect but it had heart.
I gave you an A.
He's a killer!
I don't know this person.
My class time will not be spent on practical jokes.
Clapton Davis is my brightest student.
Brightest? He never does his homework.
We figured it out, Clapton. All this death is just a game to you.
Why would I kill people? I chased Sander through the time machine...
after he got Gord, lost him. Been stuck here for six weeks.
- But I'm on the honor roll. - So then why does the world go away?
Wait, is that why Verge is building a bomb?
- A bomb? - Thought he was extra-crediting.
In Osama bin Ladinism?
I bet Sander's helping him.
Unbelievable. You let a mass murderer feel your bosom.
Oh, my God. We have to kill Sander.
What are we, monsters? Let's just kidnap him.
And scene. Thank you.
Shit!
If time travel were to happen, it would probably require...
a huge electrical force of around 1.21, 1.22 gigawatts.
See how crossing the nodes of your flux capacitor generates a tachyon blast?
I don't know who you are or what you're trying...
The way this is set up, it's gonna blow your face off.
Yeah, I'd like to see that.
You defy death and turn into a douche bag like Spock.
Here, I made you a mix tape.
That's so awesome.
- Are you from, like, the year 2000? - Yes, I come from the time where...
computers and machines have overtaken the world...
and enslaved human bodies as sources of infinite electrical power.
That's stupid. The food it would take...
If you're not careful, you'll create a chain of events...
leading to the complete annihilation of the human race.
Now make that bomb go off.
I wanna kill everyone because they snubbed me for prom.
- That works. - I like how you think, Mr...?
Keanu.
Excuse me. Where is your hall pass?
- Gosh-fucking-darn it. - You get his legs.
- Oh, my face! - It didn't work.
Don't be so sure.
Come on!
Riley, get back in the time machine.
We've been sent back six minutes before doomsday.
We should have grabbed Verge.
He had enough info to know how to make the bomb go off.
- New strategy. - What?
I don't know. I'm saying we need one.
I got nothing.
If we weren't all dead in two minutes, I would masturbate so hard...
- ...to lone tonight. - Lone? You mean Sloan.
Girls like Sloan will learn what happens when they pass up guys like me.
Let me see your bomb.
- That's it. - What's what?
Verge is doing this because she broke his heart. We force lone to go with him.
Lone's going to prom with me. Forget it.
She'll go to prom with you in 2011 and with him in 1992.
Yeah, I still don't think I'm okay with that.
Lone!
You'll blow this for me. I traded places with my mom.
My name here is Sloan.
Don't I get a kiss?
No.
Damn, I knew Sting was too good to be true.
- Your mom's a bitch. - It was to win the contest.
- I was gonna come back but... - Being cool is that important?
How hard is it to be cool in 1992?
Plus, my mom's body fits great, except...
I think I may be pregnant.
Lone's giving birth to herself?
I failed that class.
You know how cool people always refer to guacamole as "guac"?
- I invented that. - Lone, you have to ask Verge to prom.
Waiting for the punch line.
People are getting killed. He's gonna blow up Grizzly Lake in 56 seconds.
You can keep living in 1992 if you want...
but the fate of everyone you've ever known goes away...
unless you ask Verge to prom right now.
Screw that! I can't be forced to go to prom with someone.
That's like date rape.
You heard of the Dead Cheerleader Nationals?
They don't exist.
Verge, I was wondering...
What are you guys working on?
Now, lone. Eighteen seconds!
- Will you be my prom date? - Your hair can look like Sharon Stone?
- What? - What are you doing?
- Fine! - Nine seconds.
- You go full tongue? - Okay.
Cowabunga.
We can use my Pizza Pitt coupons first.
Weren't we able to jump through last time?
We surpassed the spatial temporal limit of time travel.
What is that? You just made that up.
Toshiba must have put an on-off switch here.
Let's see.
Found it
Come on!
That girl is going down on that bear.
- Come on! - I knew that ass looked familiar.
- Come on, you bitch! - Nice.
Who's her prom date?
All his parts are still working.
- Yeah, we gotta go. - Come on.
Not so fast.
Oh, crap.
So everyone left detention after Verge and Gord got killed?
Our band may not be the Drunges, but I wouldn't say we got killed.
Oh, Principal Pimping, don't listen to the haters.
You are my freakasaurus.
Since our lead vocalist is too busy getting molested by Mrs. Verge...
I quit, I quit, I'm too wasted.
Verge! Verge! Verge!
I guess I'll sing the next song. This one goes out to lone.
Because, lone, you are my field of gold.
Hit it, Gord.
Toby T knows every post-Police Sting album.
We changed the fabric of space-time.
That or the bear fumes have gotten me delusional.
- An A. That should do it. - Verge!
Nineteen years ago today...
I met the kindest man I could ever imagine.
Who gave you the right to get so much older than me?
Strange things happen when you're young.
No! The punch bowl has been spiked. You will not drink that, young lady.
Don't talk to me that way, young lady.
All right, lovebirds. I'm gonna steal my hottie and grab some guac.
Guac.
And the world just threw up a little.
- "Lovebirds"? Are we dating now? - You got a problem with that?
Students.
I hate to interrupt but it is now time to announce your prom king and queen.
Oh, you all know what the deal is.
Riley, Clapton...
come on up here and dance.
- Clapton don't da... - Shut up.
If you don't dance with me, I will murder every last inch of you.
Well, in that case, hold on a second.
Clapton don't dance.
So they say. But when studying Road House...
I got hooked on the rest of Patrick Swayze's oeuvre.
If he can look cool dirty dancing...
ls everything really back to normal?
I guess if me getting an A and saving the universe is considered normal.
Well, maybe normal's not all it's cracked up to be.
We didn't change everything.
I mean, look at how tight his jeans are.
- He's totally gay. - Oh, you piece of shit!
You should have fucked me.
Think you can kill people because you're a virgin?
That's the douchiest thing I've ever heard.
Sander, I want my fish sticks.
Hey!
I stopped wearing Ed Hardy junior year.
I'm sorry that you're all too busy playing Sims Grizzly Lake to notice!
- Christian Audigier is the same shit. - Really? Whatever.
- You're all Gossip Girls with Corollas! - I take the bus.
And like wearing a movie mask is so original.
Read a book.
It's called post-irony!
I used to think you were just some middle-class chump with no game.
But those pity points ran out.
Oh, pity me from the wrist-slitting herbivore over here?
"Clapton Davis doesn't love me.
Please kill me, God!"
You are pathetic!
All of your Grizzly Lake friends are pathetic!
Except me. I'm all right.
God, why wasn't I born someplace cool, like Orlando?
God, you're a dick.
It breaks my spirit to see that bra size wasted on someone like you.
You're about to be spanked by the power of Swayze.
All Road House had were his fists.
In Under Siege, Steven Seagal was a master chef.
Your fighting style is so obnoxious.
Seagal in On Deadly Ground. Impenetrable defense.
Oh, God!
L90tyou.
You got yourself.
Just another dead teenager in Grizzly Lake.
I think he'll be the last.
Once upon a time, the planet didn't burst into flames...
everybody didn't die, and life kept on...
even though Sander thought that he was the only one who mattered.
But every one of us was...
a prince...
a princess...
a child...
a grown-up
someone cool.
If you and Verge can't get home at a reasonable hour...
there's no Twitter for a month.
Oh, that's so unfair.
You're gonna let your daughter ground you like that?
Yeah, good luck with that.
Sander saw no future for us because he lived in the past.
So his experiment was to end time itself.
But we now know the greatest experiment...
isn't traveling through time or making bombs.
The only way to change the past...
is to change the present.
So Sander was wrong. Even if Grizzly Lake is lame, it's just a start.
A beginning, not an end.
And... And...
I can't think to this song.
We're live in Grizzly Lake where what appears to be a UFO...
is descending on a suburban commune...
I am a spokesman for the race alien to your planet Earth.
First, we assimilated Canada and I took the exact form of a Canadian.
I am part of a vegetable species.
You stupid humans eat our sons and daughters...
because you have no self-confidence.
It's just high school. It's not the end of the world.